In Loving Remembrance ...

This is the seventh anniversary of my Mother's death.  In some ways it feels like it has been decades, and in other ways the sadness is just as raw as if it were yesterday.  At the time, everyone remarked how “brave” I was, what wonderful words I had to say, how respected I was for being able to speak at all.  Let me first state, there was no bravery. There was intense prayer that God would give me just five minutes to be able to put into words, meager words, what I needed and wanted to say about my Mother.  Just five minutes to give this woman her due!  Interestingly, and quite bizarre as well, is the fact that on Easter Sunday, the last Mass my mother and I attended together, the opening line of her eulogy came into my head during the opening song of Mass.  To this day I have no idea why that happened, but I did carry that “premonition” with me into the eulogy I delivered.  Below are my words I spoke.  I have thought of many others since that time that should have been included.  But, in these 7 years, I have learned to forgive myself for what I should or could have done, and instead be happy for what was accomplished at a time when I couldn't even think straight.  It is with love and remembrance I share the following ...

My mother’s eulogy…

First I’d like to take this opportunity on behalf of my entire family to thank all of you here today and at the funeral home last night for all your care, kindness, and prayer.  It has truly been overwhelming.  I’ve always said one of my biggest blessings is my very special friendships over the years, and this was certainly affirmed over the past 3 days. You have just been awesome.   I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wednesday morning was a devastating day for my family, but I have to take comfort in knowing that on that Wednesday morning, there was a little red-headed Irishman, who was dancing a jig in heaven when he saw his Louisa was finally home.  I’m sure he has already convinced everyone in heaven that she can do it all.    That was his favorite line, “don’t worry about it, Louisa can take care of that.”  .

Our mother loved us all dearly and felt the need to continue to nurture well into our adult years. She didn’t hesitate to give directions on almost EVERYTHING!!  She even used to tell me when to turn the headlights on, and when to put gas in the car.   I used to tease her and ask her if she felt like I was still 10 years old, and her reply was, “once a Mother, always a Mother. I just can’t help myself.”  I’m sure I’m going to miss all those directions, so if you see me pulled off the side of the road, out of gas, and with no headlights on, somebody, please rescue me!!

Mother and Daddy were very different personalities, but a perfect match.  Daddy was the ever teasing Irishman, and very proud of it.  Mother was usually the brunt of his jokes and teasing.  Daddy taught me the love of Churchill Downs and horse racing, and Mother taught us the love of the arts.  She had Patricia in piano lessons, and me in dance very early in our lives, and she never hesitated to buy tickets to different theatrical performances so we could go together.  As I stand here today I have 4 sets of tickets for upcoming performances that Mother and I were planning to attend together

Mother loved to play cards.  She and her two best friends, Billie and Fannie, get together every Saturday and Sunday to play Liverpool Rummy.  You have to ante up 65 cents per game. She would call me at the end of those games, and either very proudly say,  “I did really good tonight.  I think I came out about 40 cents on top,” or she would report,” I just couldn’t get any cards tonight”.  She loved these cards, and we made hasty trips home from Mass on Sunday nights many times, so she could make the 7:30 start time.  I know she will miss those games with you all.

She would have done ANYTHING for my dad, Patricia, myself, and the “apple of her eye” Whitney.  She would say to me at times, that she only hoped that over the years she had done the right things with all of us, and I have told her many times that whenever a Mother wants to question how she raised her children, she only needs to look as far as seeing how her children raise their children.  Patricia, you and Whitney are perfect examples of that, she was always so proud of you and Whitney.  She used to say all the time, “Patricia is an excellent Mother.”

I hope if the Lord has plans for me to grow older, he allows me to grow older like our Mother did.  She did things her way, even up to her death.  She used to say all the time, “I hope I just get sick and die.  I just don’t want to lie around someplace being sick”.  We can take comfort in that part. She did things very stubbornly many times, but always with a good heart .

I try to live by the motto, “Make God Smile Everyday.”  That’s actually my screen saver on my computer at work.  Now I’m going to add to that, “Make Mother Smile Everyday.” We love you dearly, and you are missed greatly already!   God bless you and keep you!!  We will all be together again, because our God is kind and good.

That was spoken, now 7 years ago, on a very sad day for our family.  I miss my Mother and Father dearly, but I do believe that our God is kind and good.  We will all be together again.  That's His promise to His faithful.

My Gift From Above

Four years ago today, my sweet little Gracie Lou was born. When she was born, my 14 ½ year-old Bichon, Chelsea was fighting liver cancer, which we all knew was pretty much futile. When Gracie Lou was born, we had no idea our paths would cross, and in the not too distant future.

Chelsea passed away on April 8, 2008. My heart was absolutely broken, and it ached with grief, but was full of sweet memories. Within a few weeks I found myself very cautiously in contact with a Bichon breeder in Logansville, GA. When talking with him about the potential of an available puppy, I was told that he had puppies that had been born on March 30, and another litter that had been born on April 4.  I was so unsure whether my heart was ready for a new dog, having just lost the love of my life a few weeks before. But, when he said he had a little girl  available from the March 30 litter, I knew someone was speaking to me.  March 30 is the anniversary of my Mother’s death, and I knew, I just knew that Mother was sending me this puppy.    My answer was yes! Yes, I want this puppy!

On June 7, 2008 a friend, Robin, and I drove to Georgia to pick up Gracie Lou.  Another very special friend of mine lived in Marietta, GA, and she also went with us to get Gracie.  I remember the breeder coming to the door, and he had a puppy in each hand.  One was quietly resting in his hand, and the other was half dangling in his other hand, wiggling, and with all four legs going in every direction.   How would I choose?    I’ve always heard that animals will pick you. So, I sat down on the floor, and he put the puppies down. One came on a dead tear across the floor and scaled my arm. Kisses abounded on my ears, face, fingers, arms; anything that little tongue could reach.  I would sit this puppy aside and try to pick up the other one, and here she would come again. She would wedge herself between me and her sister puppy, and kiss, kiss, kiss.  It was as if she were saying, “It’s me! It’s me!  Pick me!  Pick me!  I’m the one you’ve been calling Gracie since you decided to get another best friend.”  I actually believe this little puppy got up on that special Saturday, June 7, and said, “I need to get ready.  This is the day my Mommy is coming from Indiana to get me.”  I do think she would have physically tripped me, if I had tried to get out the door without her.  All  2 ½ pounds of her.

Out the door Gracie and I went. She never looked back, she never seemed to question where she was, or where she was going.  She left with gusto. She nestled on my shoulder tucked under my chin.  Robin drove for the first couple of hours, and I held my new family member. As tears streaked down my face, remembering and missing Chelsea, already in love with Gracie, I kissed my little girl and told her I would take care of her for the rest of her life. I said to her, “You are safe and secure in Mommy’s care.”  I still to this day say this to her nightly, as I kiss her goodnight.

She has been with me for four years, and she is still the same vibrant dog as she was when she was just a little puppy.  She is funny, confident, and full of joy.  My life would not be as complete without her.   Her name fits her perfectly … Gracie Lou … Gracie for the grace sent to me by my beloved Chelsea, and Lou after my Mother, Louisa, who I know, I just know sent me this puppy.

Forgiveness

"In short, when you have committed a fault, disavow it before God; ask His pardon, promise to do better in the future.  Make a good act of love and after that, go your way as though nothing had happened."
                                            Blessed Mother Theodore Guerin

Oh, how hard it is to follow these words. This quote makes my act of contrition and my prayers for forgiveness of my sins seem such a simple path. But, in reality, my fear is that I hold onto my shortcomings for far too long, if not forever in some cases.

I am a cradle Catholic, and my fellow cradle Catholics and I always joke about how well we were taught to be guilty.  If you look at me in the wrong way, I am immediately guilty. I may not know for sure what I did, why I did it, but I will express my deep remorse and promise never to do it again. But, I won't promise not to feel guilty about doing it in the first place.  I'm even great at feeling guilty about matters I have no control over.  No rain during a drought ... I am not just sorry, but also guilty for not being able to do anything about it.  I'm just great at guilty, whether is is rational or not.

But, even the rational guilt needs to be put aside.  This time of year, I always reflect back on my Mother. She will be gone for 7 years on March 30.  I so often think back on comments made to my Mother, years ago, and become quite sorrowful and wish I could take back the words.  I know this type of guilt serves no purpose. It is such wasted energy.  It would serve me so much more richly if I dwelled on the good memories between my Mother and me.  These so far out weigh the negatives.  By dwelling on the good, it just pushes the bad back in the place it belongs to be filed, under "lessons learned."  Maybe that's why I hold on to guilt.  It is God's way of providing me with another "lesson learned" moment.

"In short, when you have committed a fault, disavow it before God; ask His pardon, promise to do better in the future.  Make a good act of love and after that, go your way as though nothing had happened."
                                             Blessed Mother Theodore Guerin

Since God is so all-forgiving, why can't I do a better job of forgiving myself?

Webster

The things we do for our children with fur.

My sweet little Bichon, Chelsea, loved her stuffed toys.  She had them for years. She never chewed them, and she knew all of them by name.  I could tell her to go get her snake, and she would disappear into the den where her toy basket lived. She would be gone for just a minute or two, and when she returned, surely as light will come in the morning, she would be dragging her four foot stuffed snake behind her, tail a waggin’.  She had a stuffed Fred Flinstone, which she knew as Fred.  I’d ask for Fred, and Fred I would get.

Her favorite, amongst all of her treasures, was a stuffed yellow duck named Webster. She might have drug out a dozen different toys, and they all may have been in different areas of our living room, but always, always Webster was in the mix.

I said goodbye to Chelsea at the age of 14 ½ years.  She had survived Cushing’s Disease and Addison’s Disease, but liver cancer was stronger than she could fight.  I had her cremated, and I placed her ashes in an urn I had made in pottery class, especially for her. It only seemed right that when I placed her urn on my bedside table, that Webster would be placed right there beside her.

About 8 weeks after Chelsea’s death, I brought a 10 week old Bichon home with me. Gracie Lou moved in with about 120% gusto, 100% mischief, and a heart open to all the wonder and love of the world.  I was unaware, at the time, that she had been born visually impaired. She was as “normal” as any other puppy of mine, and what little “clumsiness” I witnessed, I attributed to just being an awkward little puppy.  When her visual impairment was diagnosed at 10 months of age, she and I started the crusade of “normal” for Gracie. With  very few exceptions, her disability is hardly noticed. She thrives, she plays, she loves, and she sees more with her heart than most of us see with our eyes.

To this end, I can’t say I was surprised when my then one-year-old, “blind” puppy came down the hall, in a full prance, carrying Webster.  Yes, somehow Gracie, filled with her mischief, had reached up to the bedside table, snared Webster, and was happily bringing him to me.  My heart stopped, and I said, “No, No!  You can’t have him.”  The look on her face would have broken my heart had it not already been breaking with the image of  Webster coming down the hall, but not Chelsea.  I tucked Webster away in my walk-in closet, and I brought Gracie a different toy. Within a few minutes, she was happily playing, and Webster had been forgotten.

Several months later, I heard Gracie running down the hall. And again, she had Webster with her. This time she had gone into the walk-in closet and found him.  I knew then that it was time to buy another Webster, especially for Gracie.  I gathered her in my arms and out the door we went to Feeder’s Supply.  Gracie loves to ride in the shopping cart, so down the aisles we went in pursuit of a duck.  We couldn’t find it, and when I asked the cashier, I was told they had discontinued that particular brand.  Are you kidding me?  No Webster!  Not giving up easily, we went on down the road to Pet Smart. But, again, no Webster.  I told Gracie I would try Amazon. When we got home, I logged into  Amazon.com and hit the search bar for “dog toy duck named Webster.”  There he was!  Several to choose from priced between $8.00 and $15.00.  I chose one that indicated it was new, for a cost of $11.00. The total with shipping was under $15.00.  Add To Cart!

About 3 days later, I came home from work and found the box sitting by my front door. I brought it in and told Gracie she had a surprise.  I opened one end of the box, and she dove in up to about her shoulders. She came out of that box with Webster, tail wagging, and jumping in place for several minutes.  She was so excited, and I was so touched it brought tears to my eyes.  She had her very own Webster, and to this day,  he is greatly loved.

Now comes the ironic part. Probably about 3 weeks later, I was in Kroger doing my grocery shopping.  I cut down the pet aisle and there right in front of me, on the bottom shelf, almost mocking me, were SIX Websters. Who Knew?

It doesn’t matter where he came from, or how he made it to our home.  The joy this little stuffed duck has brought to  now two of my beloved companions is truly heaven sent.  Nothing is too hard to accomplish for the ones you love.

The Beautiful Gift of Healing ...

This month, on March 30, I will remember the death of my mother 7 years ago.  After her death, and before creating my blog, I kept a journal entitled "It's Happened."  These were my thoughts and prayers during my initial grieving period through May, 2007.  I don't know why I stopped this particular journal, but March always brings me back to reflection.  I think I'm ready to continue this journal now. I think I may actually have some words that might be comforting to others going through this grief journey that can be called sad, dreadful, fatiguing, and interestingly even joyful.  

This is a selection from this journal dated July, 2005, just a little over three months from her death on March 30, 2005.   When I read it now, I see so many lessons in my thoughts.

My Patchwork Heart …

July, 2005

Have you ever felt like your heart was divided into pieces with certain sections being reserved for special people?  I remember when my only niece was born, I felt as if there was an area of my heart that had just been waiting for her, and all the love contained in that area was reserved especially for her.  I like to think of my heart as a Patchwork Heart.  Everyone has had the experience of seeing a beautiful patchwork quilt, which has been made from fabric that loving hands have touched throughout a family.  They may be pieces of an old baby blanket, the first curtains in a newlywed’s home, an old dress from a great grandmother, a section of a christening gown, a woven piece of fabric left by our ancestors.  In other words a piece of fabric which is more than fabric, but rather a loving memory from days gone by, compounded by the loving hands which formed and made the quilt.  I like to envision my heart as being made by loving hands of our Father, heaven sent, full of beautiful pieces, crafted for the many people I love.  The stitches of grace make it strong, make it viable, and make it whole. 

In my Mother’s absence, her beautiful section has turned to sorrow and sadness.  Part of me wonders if this piece of my heart will ever be happy again.  I know that our God is kind and good, so I know He will assist in making my sadness ease into loving memories, but I wonder if He will make this section happy again?   Maybe I should not consider whether He will make it happy again, but more importantly I should ponder, how I will accept what He sends me in the form of strength, guidance, and His supreme love to assist me in making my life happy again.  Every ounce of my fiber knows that my Mother would be so very disappointed with me, and yes, even angry if I did not continue to live and enjoy my life.  It is just so lonely for me at times without her, but I know she would not want this loneliness to suppress the happiness I have always found in life itself.

It’s moments, hours, and sometimes even complete days of my grief that I need to look into my heart, my patchwork heart, and know that all the remaining happy pieces will work with me to make my Mother’s special section whole and happy again.  It’s okay to grieve, it defines my love … but it is equally as important to find peace and be happy with life again.

Reflection … My master Crafter, you have woven my being and stitched with love my patchwork heart.  Wrap your loving arms around me, and with your tender hands gently touch my Mother’s special piece of my heart.  Heal its pain, bring it peace, and open it for happiness again. I want to remember with happiness and love … not just with tears.  I know this day is coming, help guide me to this joyful end.