The Beautiful Gift of Healing ...

This month, on March 30, I will remember the death of my mother 7 years ago.  After her death, and before creating my blog, I kept a journal entitled "It's Happened."  These were my thoughts and prayers during my initial grieving period through May, 2007.  I don't know why I stopped this particular journal, but March always brings me back to reflection.  I think I'm ready to continue this journal now. I think I may actually have some words that might be comforting to others going through this grief journey that can be called sad, dreadful, fatiguing, and interestingly even joyful.  

This is a selection from this journal dated July, 2005, just a little over three months from her death on March 30, 2005.   When I read it now, I see so many lessons in my thoughts.

My Patchwork Heart …

July, 2005

Have you ever felt like your heart was divided into pieces with certain sections being reserved for special people?  I remember when my only niece was born, I felt as if there was an area of my heart that had just been waiting for her, and all the love contained in that area was reserved especially for her.  I like to think of my heart as a Patchwork Heart.  Everyone has had the experience of seeing a beautiful patchwork quilt, which has been made from fabric that loving hands have touched throughout a family.  They may be pieces of an old baby blanket, the first curtains in a newlywed’s home, an old dress from a great grandmother, a section of a christening gown, a woven piece of fabric left by our ancestors.  In other words a piece of fabric which is more than fabric, but rather a loving memory from days gone by, compounded by the loving hands which formed and made the quilt.  I like to envision my heart as being made by loving hands of our Father, heaven sent, full of beautiful pieces, crafted for the many people I love.  The stitches of grace make it strong, make it viable, and make it whole. 

In my Mother’s absence, her beautiful section has turned to sorrow and sadness.  Part of me wonders if this piece of my heart will ever be happy again.  I know that our God is kind and good, so I know He will assist in making my sadness ease into loving memories, but I wonder if He will make this section happy again?   Maybe I should not consider whether He will make it happy again, but more importantly I should ponder, how I will accept what He sends me in the form of strength, guidance, and His supreme love to assist me in making my life happy again.  Every ounce of my fiber knows that my Mother would be so very disappointed with me, and yes, even angry if I did not continue to live and enjoy my life.  It is just so lonely for me at times without her, but I know she would not want this loneliness to suppress the happiness I have always found in life itself.

It’s moments, hours, and sometimes even complete days of my grief that I need to look into my heart, my patchwork heart, and know that all the remaining happy pieces will work with me to make my Mother’s special section whole and happy again.  It’s okay to grieve, it defines my love … but it is equally as important to find peace and be happy with life again.

Reflection … My master Crafter, you have woven my being and stitched with love my patchwork heart.  Wrap your loving arms around me, and with your tender hands gently touch my Mother’s special piece of my heart.  Heal its pain, bring it peace, and open it for happiness again. I want to remember with happiness and love … not just with tears.  I know this day is coming, help guide me to this joyful end.