GOODBYE
Today I said goodbye to my best friend. I cradled her in my arms, with her head on my shoulder, snuggled just below my chin … just in the fashion I had carried her to bed so many times over so many years.
The doctor, who had taken care of her for so long, with compassion and love, helped her to a peaceful rest. I can’t help but feel, that in my arms, she felt safe and secure; just as she had felt throughout her days with me. At least I hope she did, Oh, I hope she did.
It all happened very quickly. The vet tech took her away from me for oxygen, and I told them not to let her be alone, so about a minute later they came and got me. She had this little oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, but those big brown eyes saw me immediately when I came into the room. I told her “mommy’s here, you’re safe.” She seemed to relax immediately. I held the oxygen for her until they got the IV in her leg, then they gave her a little sodium pentothal, and while she was dosing off I kept kissing her face, ears, head, nose, and telling her I loved her. I told her Grandma was waiting for her and would be so glad to see her. I told her to give Grandma a big wet sloppy kiss, and also asked her to save a place for me. As she got sleepier, I told her to lay her little head down, and she basically laid her little head in the palms of my hands. Then in less than a minute I was told she was gone. It was all very peaceful and she was most aware that I was with her. I tried to stay calm so she wouldn’t feed off of me and be scared. I promised her when she was 8 weeks old that I would take care of her, and now 14 ½ years later, I refused to let her down in this moment of need. I stayed with her, after her death, for about 30 minutes, just the two of us, as we had been for so many years.
I went home, and I prepared her resting place … what was to be beneath her favorite tree, where she would stand, look up, and implore the squirrels, “please come down and play with me!” But after careful contemplation, I chose cremation and I brought her home, placed her in my hand-built pottery urn, placed carefully on the night stand, where I could tell her goodnight every night, and give her a tender and longing love pat.
A bit later in the week I needed to go to the bank. It was all I could do to go through the drive-through that she and I always went through together. She loved to go to the bank! On her first trip with me as a puppy, the teller sent her a cookie, and she never forgot. On every subsequent trip, she would stand with her paws on the console and stare at the bank tube, waiting for her treat. I usually took an extra cookie with me, just in case the teller didn’t send her one. You see, I would put mine in the bank tube so she wouldn’t be disappointed. It would break my heart if she ever looked sad. I swear on my first trip to the bank, alone, without her, I could feel her little nose so close to my right cheek as she stared at the bank tube, waiting for her cookie. No cookie came for her. I guess the teller couldn’t feel her presence … but I could.
In my sadness, I set out for a walk. I followed the path we had taken so many times. I know I saw the grass bend, and the wild flowers sway, just about the same time I felt the brush of her happily wagging tail across my leg. I stopped for a moment, listened, and walked on. With tears in my eyes, I returned home, and I realized then that she had followed me home, just as she had done so many years before.
It was then that I realized my sadness was intensified by my trying to say goodbye. I had placed her in her earthly resting place, but I had tenderly, so tenderly placed her in her eternal resting place … my heart.
Instead of saying goodbye, I only needed to utter the words, “see you.” I see her all the time, and I feel her constantly. God gives us these precious gifts for such a short time, but He enables their spirit to live in our hearts forever. This may be our biggest blessing.
“See you my dear, dear friend.”
This was written three years ago after the death of my beloved Bichon, Chelsea Bear. I post it today in loving tribute to her.
The depth of your relationship with Chelsea Bear shines through here. It's obvious that "best friends" is the appropriate adjective to describe the bond you two had. It's something how pets can associate certain events with certain things. A simple trip to the bank drive thru means a treat. Such a nice tribute to a devoted family member.
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